just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
