If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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