Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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