Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
