Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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