he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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