I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
