Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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