So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
