Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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