If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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