My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
