i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
