Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
