FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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