After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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