This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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