god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize