My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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