Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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