I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
