My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
