Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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