Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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