then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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