I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
