i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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