Dude my mom stole all your condoms
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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