I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You're a waste of cheezeits
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
