Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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