So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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