I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
