Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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