so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
