Tell her she can't have a vagina
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
