Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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