went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
