I wish I could teleport
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
