My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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