I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
