my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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