If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My bed smells like the plague
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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