i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
