i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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