I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
