I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
