Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
