Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
