I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
