his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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