im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
