Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
