Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
