So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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