I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
from now on my penis is your penis
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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