The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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