Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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