You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
