So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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