we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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