I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
