You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Who died my cat blue again?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
